Anyone who really knows me will see how obvious it is that I ALWAYS have to be doing something very BIG….working towards some kind of BIG goal. It keeps my mind busy, occupies my time, and usually drives me pretty crazy, but I’ve convinced myself that I love it. It’s become kind of an obsession of mine. Over the last few years I have become “obsessed” with quite a few goals. I think it all began with me taking on my Master’s program (check!), planning my wedding (check!), training and running a marathon (check!), getting pregnant and having a wonderful little baby boy (check!), and then training for this current show coming up in 2 weeks…it’s always been something. Back to back to back. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself unless I’m working towards some kind of big transformative goal. I’ve noticed this pattern that I started, but I haven’t really seen anything wrong with it until recently.
I’ve realized that I don’t know how to just “be”. Idle time is a killer for me. I don’t function well with “free” time. My mind races, I actually get really anxious and spiral downwards – usually ending up pretty depressed! Doesn’t that sound crazy?! I am literally obsessed with being busy. When I am not busy, I FREAK! If someone gave me an hour to just sit there and do nothing, I might cry. I am just not a slow moving type of person…everything I do is fast and usually on a whim. I’m very impulsive. This week it really hit me that my show is in less than 3 weeks now, and I started to panic because I don’t have a plan in place for what I want to do AFTER it. Do I get pregnant again? Do I go after my PhD? Do I continue training and compete again? WHAT. DO. I DO? Oh my gosh, I’m going to die. <—-Crazy person.
What if I just did NOTHING. What if I just lived my life…spent time with my family…hung out…took a nap here and there…ate some cookies (gasp!) and just lived in the moment without a big ginourmous goal hovering over my crazy head? Scary…what would that be like!?
Realistically, I think I am going to start slowly downshifting. I will admit that I am going at what feels like 100 mph down the highway right now. No- I’m not going to just throw it into first gear…but I am going to slowly start downshifting. Make sense? Scaling back will allow me to focus on certain areas of my life that are so important…such as family and my marriage…my career…my friends, etc.
We’ll see what ACTUALLY happens…but this is my next BIG goal…to be ok with this idle time I have coming up (for a little while at least). I know it will be hard, but I am going to have a positive outlook and enjoy it. Life goes too fast anyway, right? We all have our own definition of “busy”, anyway…so think of ways that you can realign your priorities so that when you say “I’m Busy” – it’s filled with those top priority items and not other B list items that really don’t matter at the end of the day anyway.