These Are My Confessions…

Alright…I have a confession. I’ve hit a wall. I’ve hit that damn wall I was hoping that I wouldn’t hit during this competition prep. I thought this time would be different since it was going so well in the beginning. Well, I forgot that lack of carbs, increased cardio, and plummeting energy (and body fat) levels happen during these last few weeks leading up to showtime. I have found it INCREDIBLY hard to stay motivated. I’ve put on a happy face, but let me tell you – it’s a front. I let my guard down only around a couple people and it’s frustrating for them AND me. I have surpassed the Negative Nancy status…I’m somewhere in the Depressed Debbie area. I’ve tried countless motivation tactics, and reading motivational quotes (which actually just piss me off more). Why are those people so damn happy all the time…SHUT UP. I’m hangry and tired and slightly pissed off at this whole process.


Why am I sharing all of this with you?

Well, because I’m flawed. I’m not perfect. I think that sometimes people forget that EVERYONE struggles. We really do. We may appear to have our shit together AT ALL TIMES on social media and other platforms…but the brutal honesty is that we like to publicize the happiest, most successful, most positive areas of our life in order to create a life that we want people to BELIEVE we live. NO ONE…absolutely no one, is only the person they post about. That’s how we want to be perceived. We all have our dark parts…you know that ugly side that we like to hide away? Yep – I have a side to me, too.


My best defense mechanism? Smile and get through it. Don’t ask for help. Well – that’s not working so well for me anymore. This may seem petty to most – but I am asking for help, motivation, support, in any form from my friends until I get through this show. COMPETING IS NOT EASY…and whoever says it is is full of S.H.I.T. I am getting all of these feelings out on the public forum as a confession that I AM STRUGGLING. I have to keep reminding myself why I started this journey. Here are a few reasons:

  1. Gain strength/Feel stronger
  2. Baby #2 comeback
  3. Do something that scares me
  4. Prove to myself that I can be better than the old me
  5. Motivate others
  6. Show my boys what a strong woman can achieve

I also have to remind myself what I am hoping to get out of the process:

  1. Shooting for top 3 at my show. BIG goal…
  2. Greater appreciation for how nutrition fuels strength
  3. Have fun, make friends and connections in the fitness world at the show
  4. Regardless of the outcome, to still be happy that I made it

While this post is related to my fitness competition, I feel like a lot of people can relate to the feeling of being defeated. Whether this is in regard to your career, your love life, your finances, your friendships, your fitness or nutrition goals, etc – We all have times that we just feel like we aren’t good enough. We sit around and feel sorry for ourselves and constantly ask, “Why can’t we be better?” “Why are we not succeeding at task A, B, or C?” Well I think I’ve found an answer after feeling this way for a few weeks.

Ready for it?

The answer is that YOU, only you, are stopping yourself from living in the moment and enjoying the journey to reaching your goal. You are preventing yourself from achieving your goals. Sure, you may have obstacles. But you aren’t putting in the effort to overcome them. IT’S ALL ON YOU. How can you appreciate any goal attained if you feel like crap throughout the entire process? Will the victory really be that sweet? Probably not.

You have to STOP and take full inventory of what is going on, where the positives are, what obstacles there are, and how you can knock your negative attitude out so that you can get back to your happy, motivated self. I’ve had to really think about why I’m so pissed off.

Here it is…

That voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough has RETURNED with a VENGEANCE. It’s been dormant for a while…but when things get tough – that voice comes out to play. I’ve been listening to it. I’ve been looking in the mirror with that negative voice in the back of my head telling me things like, “You’re not going to be ready for your show”. But, when it comes to the stage – what IS the definition of “ready”? I mean, really! Where is my reference point that I’m comparing myself to? And in such a subjective sport – the definition of “ready” is going to vary from judge to judge, show to show, federation to federation. For “Bikini” category they want you to have abs, but not a 6 pack; strong legs, but not a lot of separation; capped shoulders BUT NOT TOO rounded. And then they pick a twig in the top 3 and you face palm yourself and go back to the drawing board. So it’s like…WHAT THE HELL AM I STRESSING ABOUT!? All I can bring is the best ASHLEE. If they don’t like it on that day – then it is what it is! I don’t know who my competition will be. I don’t know who the judges will be. AND GUESS WHAT ELSE? I can’t control those aspects of the show. But I’ll do my damn best to control what I can – which is to do my best and enjoy the process.

The only reference point I need is ME. Am I better than I was at my last show 3 weeks out? Comparatively -Yes. I am. Do I have more muscle? Yes. I do. Is my body fat lower? Yes. It is. Have I perfected my walk? Getting there. SO WHAT AM I FREAKING OUT ABOUT? What if the judges don’t like the package I bring? Well then that’s on them because it’s the best me I’ve ever been! And what matters most is that I did it. I got up there and rocked it.


Whew…there it is…all the ugly parts out there for the public to read. I actually feel astronomically better after furiously typing this out. Strange how that works, huh?

Ok – so the plan from here on out (hold me to it):

  1. STOP BEING A WHINEY B*TCH. I can call myself that. It’s fine. And very true. Ask my training partner.
  2. Enjoy this process. What if this is the last show I do? (It probably won’t be). But what if? I will be mad at myself for being so negative.
  3. GET EXCITED. I have worked so hard. SO HARD. It will be my time to shine in 3 short weeks. On a stage in VEGAS! Not many people in the world can say that they’ve been in a Vegas show. That is pretty freaking cool.
  4. Apologize to everyone I’ve been an evil witch to. Sorry guys…It’s the hangriness.
  5. Appreciate that HOT freaking body that I’ve worked so damn hard for….not just the aesthetics of it…but the powerhouse of a little package I’ve put together. I can do things that I’ve NEVER been able to do. Rock it.
  6. Don’t fake a smile anymore – make it real. Motivate those around me and be transparent with my successes, failures, and struggles.

Can you imagine living with me? I was able to spew this out in a solid 20 minutes. Thank God for my husband and the ROCK of a partner he is. Yikes. I’m a tough cookie to deal with. So, there’s a look inside the crazy, wonderful mind of mine. I appreciate all the positive vibes that any and every one can send my way over these next few weeks!! I will crush this, with a smile on my face…a real one…regardless of the outcome.


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