Feeling Anxious!!

Tomorrow is the big day. We check into the hospital at 7am to start the induction so we can finally meet our newest member of the family! I’ve tried everything in my power to let this labor come on naturally, but it’s just not happening! While I’m pretty far progressed, (3cm and 70% effaced as of last week) labor is still not in full effect. We’ll see what happens when I check in tomorrow. And baby still has a good 12 hours to make this happen on their own too! I don’t know why being induced is giving me such anxiety. There’s something about having a set time to have a baby that feels weird to me. It makes me feel like my body is failing me. Which I know isn’t true. But I just feel a little let down. šŸ˜¦ Figure it out uterus!!! 

But I guess after EVERYTHING I’ve tried to get this labor started, it just goes to show you that babies come whenever they damn well please. It’s my 3rd baby and I’ve never been overdue. Every single pregnancy is different. It’s so unpredictable. That’s the fun part right?! 

We didn’t find out the sex of the baby. We never do. With my first 2, I knew they were boys from the start. I consider myself a pretty intuitive person and I had a dream early on with both pregnancies that they were boys. I just had the 1 dream early on and that was enough for me to feel pretty confident in my “mommy intuition”. With this pregnancy I had a dream early on that it was a girl with dark hair. We’ll see if I’m right. šŸ™‚ Most people assume I want a girl because I have 2 boys, or that the only reason we are having a 3rd is because we were “trying” for a girl. That’s not the case. I would love nothing more than a healthy baby. Gender doesn’t matter. At all. Would I love to have a little girl? Well of course! But I think that being a mom to 3 boys would be really cool too. Plus, I have this “boy mom” thing down!! Either way, we pray that God gives us a healthy baby. 

I am excited, nervous, and so many other things today. I probably won’t be able to sleep very well tonight. But I’m sure going to try! It’s kind of bitter sweet when I have another baby. As a mom, I feel pulled in so many different directions at once. I question my abilities to give equal love to all my children. I question if I’m doing everything right and constantly think about what I could be doing better. Am I being patient enough? Am I giving them the right opportunities in life? Am I setting them up for success in the future? But at the end of the day, am I loving them enough? 

And after I’m done thinking about all these things, there’s my husband of course. Everything started with just him and I. I tend to put him on the back burner. And then the guilt creeps in. Am I loving HIM enough? Am I being as patient with HIM as much as I should? Am I being the wife HE needs me to be? As a mom and wife, how is it possible to balance being pulled in so many different directions? It feels like a losing battle. Am I giving enough? In the right places? I try to remember that I wouldn’t have these little blessings to “stress” about without my husband, so at the end of the day – I need to be sure that my husband feels my love as well as my kids. I try. That’s all I can do. I’m not perfect. I’m a work in progress. But I sure do try! I hope my husband and kids recognize that. 

A couple important life goals for me were to be a loving wife and mother. There’s many reasons behind why these were such important goals for me. I won’t dive into all of that right now. My mother and I have an amazing relationship now, but it wasn’t always that way. I’ve forgiven my mother and like I said – we have a great relationship now. I’m actually thankful for the experiences I had growing up, as they’ve made me a much stronger partner for my husband and a much stronger mother to my children. We all make mistakes in life. Forgive and learn, and then do better. Right? When you know better, you should do better. That’s my take.

At the end of the day, I go to bed thankful. Most of my prayers are those of gratitude for all of my blessings…and that’s a win in my book. Tonight’s prayers will be no different. Thanking God for all of my blessings, including the newest little blessing we will meet tomorrow. 

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